A Mother had 3 daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop”.
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans"
Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways" Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Italian mother .. very smart :-)
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma
10 things you didn't know about sex
I thought let me give a break to jokes with some information !!!
1. The typical lovemaking session lasts around 15 minutes: roughly 10 to 12 minutes of
foreplay and around 3 to 5 minutes of intercourse.
2. Humans aren't the only horny members of the animal kingdom doing it just for fun. Dolphins
and a type of chimpanzee called the bonobo have also been observed engaging in sexual
activity when they are not in their natural reproductive cycles.
3. While Viagra has made erectile dysfunction (affecting 10 to 12 percent of men) a household
phrase, the opposite problem -- premature ejaculation -- is more common (affecting 24 to
27 percent of men). The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is currently reviewing a drug
called dapoxetine as a cure for this problem.
4. Crank up that thermostat... orgasms may be more intense in warmer conditions. The
degree of vasocongestion, reddening or darkeing of the skin known as the "sex flush," is
both more common in warmer temperatures and an indication of how intense an orgasm
may be.
5. If a woman experiences orgasm during sex, she is more likely to become pregnant, since
orgasmic spasms in pelvic muscles help move sperm up the vaginal canal to the uterus.
6. Homosexuality is not unique to humans. Many species have been observed engaging in
homosexual activity, and in fact male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of all
mammals.
7. On any given day 400,000,000 people around the world -- 1 in 17 of us -- will have sexual
intercourse. Broken down further, 4,000 people are having sex at any given time.
8. Sex cures headaches. Endorphins released into our bloodstream when we have sex not
only give us pleasure but also act as painkillers. Useful information to whip out the next
time your partner uses a headache as a reason to say no.
9. Many elderly can and do have frequent sex. At age 70, 73% of males are still potent, and
30% of women 80 or older have still have sex.
10. 70% of women would rather eat choclate than have sex.
Sources: The Kinsey Report, Wikipedia, American Urology Association
1. The typical lovemaking session lasts around 15 minutes: roughly 10 to 12 minutes of
foreplay and around 3 to 5 minutes of intercourse.
2. Humans aren't the only horny members of the animal kingdom doing it just for fun. Dolphins
and a type of chimpanzee called the bonobo have also been observed engaging in sexual
activity when they are not in their natural reproductive cycles.
3. While Viagra has made erectile dysfunction (affecting 10 to 12 percent of men) a household
phrase, the opposite problem -- premature ejaculation -- is more common (affecting 24 to
27 percent of men). The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is currently reviewing a drug
called dapoxetine as a cure for this problem.
4. Crank up that thermostat... orgasms may be more intense in warmer conditions. The
degree of vasocongestion, reddening or darkeing of the skin known as the "sex flush," is
both more common in warmer temperatures and an indication of how intense an orgasm
may be.
5. If a woman experiences orgasm during sex, she is more likely to become pregnant, since
orgasmic spasms in pelvic muscles help move sperm up the vaginal canal to the uterus.
6. Homosexuality is not unique to humans. Many species have been observed engaging in
homosexual activity, and in fact male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of all
mammals.
7. On any given day 400,000,000 people around the world -- 1 in 17 of us -- will have sexual
intercourse. Broken down further, 4,000 people are having sex at any given time.
8. Sex cures headaches. Endorphins released into our bloodstream when we have sex not
only give us pleasure but also act as painkillers. Useful information to whip out the next
time your partner uses a headache as a reason to say no.
9. Many elderly can and do have frequent sex. At age 70, 73% of males are still potent, and
30% of women 80 or older have still have sex.
10. 70% of women would rather eat choclate than have sex.
Sources: The Kinsey Report, Wikipedia, American Urology Association
Proof That The World Is Nuts !!!!
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.Do they look different reversed ?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and
Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.Do they look different reversed ?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside And deflower young virgins, who pay Them for the privilege of having sex For the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to
marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and
Always falls over on its right side
When intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did the government pay For this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Good one ...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened? '
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened? '
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
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